Failure or just a new chapter – Definitely the latter!

Failure. It’s a scary word for anyone. No one wants to be associated with it or experience it. For an addict, it’s not only scary, but it’s also incredibly dangerous.

It’s one massive excuse to reach for the bottle. And I have been SO guilty of doing exactly that, countless times in the past. It beats you down and it consumes you.

After nearly six months, my time in Leeds is coming to an end next week. My contract at ITV runs out. Earlier this week, I had an interview for another six month contract. I didn’t get the job. Someone with a lot more experience interviewed better than me. Now, don’t get me wrong, this was a knock back.

In the past that would have been the point where I lost control. I would have got hammered after hearing the news I didn’t get the job. And again the next morning. And all through that day. And the next. And roughly five or so days later, I would be in hospital. But not now.

As much as I bang on about how achieving the smallest of goals keeps me sober, I now know that you are not defined by your success. You are defined by how you deal with failure. This is even more key to an addict. I’m still learning. And I always will be. There is no point when you have ‘cracked it’, in terms of recovery from addiction.

Instead of dwelling on the massive negative of not getting the job. Or of that feeling of rejection. Or the fact that I have to move my life back down South when I’m nicely settled in Leeds. I actually surprised myself by focuses on the positives. And there are SO many.

For starter’s the last six months have been incredible and I’m now well on the way to being a trained production journalist. So for that, a huge thank you to all the amazing people at ITV Calendar who trained me and were so welcoming.

I can’t put into words how much of a better position I am in now than what I was in six months ago. A year ago, I was only just starting this journey of TV journalism. And less than five years ago, I was on my deathbed with liver disease.

I’m going into schools and giving alcohol and addiction talks again. And just the other day, I was giving a speech at Facebook in London – which is insane!

I’m also down to the last 50 out of 1000 applicants for a news traineeship at ITV. And there are 12 jobs for those 50 people who are left. And I have lots of other exciting things in the pipeline, some of which, I’m struggling to believe in myself!

These are the things I need to be focusing on when failure hits me in the face like a tonne of bricks. There are always positives to take from failure. And if anything, this has made me go up a gear. I’m now more determined than ever to get to where I want to be.

Whatever you do, do not ever let that feeling of failure feed your addiction. Everyone experiences it at some point. Learn from it and use it to drive you forward.

I used to think my life was a failure and that there was no way back. So I drank and I drank and I drank. It was a vicious cycle that was killing me. But I broke the cycle. It is possible, even when every part of you is telling you it’s not.

So now it’s on to the next chapter for me. And I couldn’t be more up for it!

Thank you so much for reading,

Toby.

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