Its not uncommon to hear someone say, ‘I’m always the last one standing at a party’. For me, during my late teens, the party would just be the start of an almost sleepless bender. I wish I could have realised back then that I was showing all the signs of an addict.
I never wanted the party to stop. One night out, would turn into three or four days of drinking. I was always looking for an excuse to carry on. Literally, nothing was ever enough.
This wasn’t just with my drinking. It was everything in life. I was never satisfied. I was always reaching for more to fill an endless void. Always looking for that one thing that would make me feel completely content.
But for me, being an addict (even in recovery) means I am never fully content.
This might sound nuts to someone who has never had an addiction! I’m sure some people reading this, who are not addicts, are also NOT content all the time. The difference is, I tried to permanently fill that void with alcohol.
Alcohol either made me not care or give me a false feeling that I was content. What started off as a quick fix to take me out of my own head, soon became a quick route to an early grave, once the addiction took over.
The big difference with me now, is that I have accepted that I will never be completely content. I am still on my journey through sobriety, maybe one day I will be, and that will be a massive bonus. But I have to keep that mindset for the sake of my own recovery.
It doesn’t mean that you will never see me with a smile on my face, quite the opposite! I’m just chasing that feeling of satisfaction through healthier ways rather than downing a bottle. I keep myself busy trying to make myself a better version of me. Which isn’t hard considering the lows I reached just four years ago!
Nothing is ever enough for me, and I’ve accepted that. But what I have now is a million times better than what I had when I was drinking. And I’m so unbelievably grateful for that.
Thank you so much for reading.